honest_trailersfandomcom-20200215-history
Archived Content
On this page you will find archived content of the original, "Screen Junkies Wiki". This wiki seemed to have been abandoned so it has been merged with this wiki. All of it's original content has been transferred to this page. Honest Game Trailers Honest Game Trailers are the gaming versions of Honest Trailers on Smosh Games. To see more, go to the Smosh Wiki. Honest Trailer: Game of Thrones From fiction's most notorious serial killer (George R. R. Martin), comes the TV adaptation of the medieval encyclopedia/''Dungeon Masters'' guide/prono that is Game of Thrones. Duh duh duhduhduhduhduh. God, that song is cool. Get ready for the show that has viewers on the edge of their seats wondering what will happen next, and as people who've read the books, acting all smug 'cause they already know, it's the abusive show you keep watching no matter how many times it hurts you. ''Sansa: How long do I have to look?'' Full of disturbing imaginary like incest, beheadings, attempted child murder, more incest, and that's just the first episode! Travel to Westros, a place where everything is the thing of nouns. ''Robert: The Hand of the King.'' ''Samwell: Light of the Seven.'' ''Brienne: Brienne of Tarth.'' ''Ygritte: Lord of Bones.'' ''Beric Dondarrion: Lord of Lights.'' ''Tywell: Master of Coin.'' ''Daenerys: Mother of Dragons.'' ''Shagga: Son of Dolf.'' ''Selyse: Son of Fire!'' ''Melisandre: Warrior of Light.'' ''Bronn: Bank of Braavos.'' ''Ed: Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North.'' Watch as everyone fights to sit in the world's most uncomfortable chair while completely ignoring an invasion of ice zombies (White Walkers) that threatens to kill them all. Seriously, someone should really get on that! Meet unforgettable heroes who were still alive when we wrote this Honest Trailer. Jon Snow, a mopey bastard who doesn't know anything. ''Ygritte: You know nothing Jon Snow.'' Tyrion Lannister, a character who's so awesome...(Tyrion slaps Joffrey) Imp slap! Peter Dinklage will get every good dwarf role until he dies, or Warwick Davis kills him. And Daenerys Targaryen, a super hot queen obsessed with her dragons, ''Daenerys: WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?she's out for vengeance against the people who killed her family. (multiple clips of her shows nothing of vengeance) Eventually, one of those days. Can we just fast forward to that part? Watch as these heroes struggle to end the regin of King Justin Bieber. 'Joffrey': Leave her face. I like her pretty.'' God, if he doesn't die this season, I'm gonna f***ing kill him myself! F***ing hate that kid! Ride along on an adventure where any lead character can die whether you're Sean Bean (Ed Stark), Sean Bean's wife (Catelyn Stark), Sean Bean's best friend (Robert Baratheon), Sean Bean's son (Robb Stark), Sean Bean's daughter-in-law (Talisa Maegyr), Sean Bean's family dogs (Lady and Grey Wind), or Sean Bean's unborn grandkid. All men must die who are anywhere close to Sean Bean. So begin the epic journey so long and complicated, we really hope the creator doesn't eat himself to death before he's finished writing it. And settle in with a show with so many monologues, HBO will desperately try to keep your attention with by any boobs necessary. (an opera song is played as twenty-one seconds of footage of censored women are played) Not that I'm complaining, bewbs. Starring: the ten characters whose names you actually remember (Daenerys Targaryen, Jon Snow, Robb Stark, Ed Stark, Tyrion Lannister, Jaime Lannister, Ceresi Lannister, Catelyn Stark, Joffrey Baratheon, and Arya Stark) and all these other characters whose names you actually don't remember like the sneaky guy (Petyr Baelish), the sneaky bald guy (Varys), Carl Drago (Khal Drogo), those gay dudes (Loras Tyrell and Renly Baratheon) Lord Friend Zone (Jorah Mormont), Grumpy Old Dad (Tywin Lannister), that's the same person, right (Stannis Baratheon), San-San-Sansa (Sansa Stark), Bronn? (Bran Stark), Bran? (Bronn), Bran again? (Robin Arryn), Sam? (Samwell Tarly), nah Sam's the fat one from Lord of the Rings. Oh she's the one who had a demon baby (Melisandre). That's the guy who got his dick cut off (Theon Greyjoy). I don't remember her name (Talisa Maegyr), but she's super hot. Oh that's Tyrion's uh hooker girlfriend (Shae). Oh oh Hodor, that's Hodor! Uhh (Xaro Xhoan Daxos), uhhhhhh (Jeor Mormont), okay now you're just messing with me (Walder Frey), no idea (Davos Seaworth), oh faceless assassin (Jaqen H'ghar)! Not a clue (Pycelle), no (Rodrik Cassel), uh-uh (Osha), nope (Lothar Frey), nope (Benjen Stark), nope (Syrio Forel), dunno (Luwin). I got nothing (Mance Rayder). Yeah, none of these are ringing a bell (Beric Dondarrion). Go make up your own names nerds (Barristan Selmy)! Game of Thrones, it's kinda like a history test, but with dragons and bewbs. If you put any spoilers in the comments, I'll kill you. But to all my book bros, R plus L equals J. Honest Trailer: Planet of the Apes (2001) From 20th Century Fox comes a landmark of science fiction film making that's still one of the most shocking movies ever ma----Wait, we're doing the Tim Burton version? (groans) Let's just get this over with. Honest Trailer: Divergent Based on the young-adult book trilogy about a dystopian America divided by the competitive sections. This dull, white, teenage heroine must lead a revolt against a ruthless dictator who----Wait! Guys, we did this one already. It's The Hunger Games. ''unknown employee: No, John, it's not'The Hunger Games'.'' It's not, you sure? 'Cause it looks and sounds just like The Hunger Games. ''unknown employee: Yeah, there's no fight-to-the-death in this one.'' So it's the same movie, but without the actual games? That sounds horrible. Divergent. Honest Trailer: The Green Lantern From not Marvel (DC) comes a film about a sarcastic earthling and his fellow guardians of the galaxy (shows a scene in Guardians of the Galaxy), just not the ones you were hoping for: Green Lantern. Honest Trailer: Dragonball Evolution (feat. TeamFourStar) (The usual requests pop up for a movie, before the screen is flooded with them!) Narrator: Happy Holidays. This year, we got you the trailer you've requested the most, for some reason. After 42 volumes of comics, 18 movies, and 15 seasons of television, one live-action adaptation will ignore everything people loved about the Dragonball franchise, in America's biggest insult to Japanese culture since Hiroshima... (A nuclear explosion is shown) Dragonball Evolution. Prepare for Fox's half-assed attempt to cash in on their expiring rights to Dragonball. It's an adaptation that steals from everything except the source material. Featuring elements of... The Matrix (Left side is the Matrix showing Neo and Agent Smith fighting, right side showing Goku fighting Master Roshi), Lord of the Rings (Left side showing Frodo holding the Ring at Mt. Doom, right side showing Goku at a volcano), Twilight? (Left side is Edward Cullen, right side is Goku. Both of them are in blue fog scenes) And the Last Airbender? Roshi: Shadow Crane Strike is the most basic of all airbending techniques. Oh come on! When the Sith Lord Piccolo escapes his ancient prison...somehow... Goku, a student at Video Game High School, must find the Dragonballs before something about an eclipse...or else something about Oozaru, the evil monkey werewolf. It...doesn't make any sense. Can I get a little help here? (Suddenly someone flies in) Goku: We'll take it from here, Honest Trailer Voice Man Voice. Narrator: Thanks, guys. I'm totally lost. Piccolo: Alright, listen up. Dragonball is the epic saga of a martial artist who...(seeing Movie!Goku on screen) Wait, that's Goku? Goku: Well this is an outrage! I never went to school! Piccolo: Also, I don't think you're white? Goku: I'm a Saiyagenie! (I'm sure he meant Saiya-jin) Piccolo: Anyway, it's about No-ku here's quest to collect all seven wish granting Dragonballs before--(Seeing a clip of Movie!Piccolo handing a Dragonball to Mai) Whoa! When did I get a hot Asian sidekick? Maybe this movie isn't so bad. Roshi: I am Muten Roshi! The Invincible! (laughing) Goku: My grandfather's dead. (Roshi stops laughing) Piccolo: Nope, it sucks. Krillin: And along the way, Goku is joined by his best friend Krillin! Who should be showing up in the movie any second now! Any second. (All scenes shown don't involve Krillin at all) Narrator: You're not in the movie. Krillin: Damn it! (Evolution Krillin Owned Count: 1) Narrator: I gotta be honest, guys, this still seems pretty stupid. Goku: But like, the show is way better! I fly around on a magic cloud (Goku flying on the Nimbus), fight a shapeshifting man-pig (Oolong). Krillin: And help a 300-year old man get laid! (Master Roshi) Have we sold you yet? Narrator: Not really. But thanks for trying. Goku: You bet! Bye bye, Honest Trailer Man Voice Man! (A crashing is heard) Narrator: Hey! My roof! Goku: (distant) Sorry! Narrator: Ugh! Power up for a movie that doesn't just sound bad, it looks bad as the epic ki attacks from the cartoon are replaced with CGI handfarts. Roshi: Ready! (He fires a ki attack at a lantern lighting it up while a fart sound plays. Goku tries the same, but gets a small toot and no flame. Another scene has Goku blowing out the lanterns with ki, then one more has Grandpa Gohan blasting a ki attack at Goku as a longer fart sound is heard) Squirm as the awkward level goes over 9000 in a movie full of...long pauses... Chichi: You're different. (pause) I like different. (pause) Terrible dialogue... Movie!Goku: Grandpa! I'm so happy to see you! And Justin Chatwin's forehead vein. (Scenes of said forehead vein are shown) So gather up all your balls...heh heh...for the one wish that everyone can agree on: make this movie never exist. Starring... (Suddenly another person flies in) Vegeta: How dare they make a movie about Kakarot and not invite me!? Narrator: Oh god, not another one. Vegeta: I am Vegeta, Prince of All Saiya--(looking at Yamcha) Oh my god, is that the beta male? Looks like a tiger with Down Syndrome! Nevermind, bullet dodged. Narrator: Would you like to do the honors? Vegeta: Of course I will. Starring... Geico (Goku), Teetees (Chichi), The Mask (Piccolo), The Ki Maker (Grandpa Gohan), Crouching Tiger, Dead Career (Master Roshi), Nobody's Favorite Ghostbuster (Sifu Norris), Mighty Joe Young (Goku in Oozaru form), and Not Lara Croft (Bulma). Oh god, what a steaming pile. Dragonball Evolution Vegeta: So wait, Kaka-not wishes a guy he just met back to life at the end of the movie, but he just lets the man who raised him from birth stay dead. I can dig that. Special thanks to TeamFourStar. And if you wanna get us something for Christmas, be sure to click that Subscribe button. Really? We're doing this again? Fine. This episode's sayings: Kamehameha! It's over 9000! Next time on Dragonball Z! How man bears does Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears? Reindeers exist. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Honest Trailer: 300 (After the requests come on, slot machine sirens go off as a graphic flashing "50th Honest Trailer" appears) Narrator: Can you believe it? We've made 50 of these dumb things. (A toot is heard before we go to our trailer) From the guy who made Batman comics cool again (From creator Frank Miller), and the guy who'll probably make Batman movies suck again (And director Zack Snyder), comes a film based on a graphic novel (A page of the comic is shown), based on an older film (A poster for The 300 Spartans is shown), based on Ancient Greek propaganda, based on a true story: 300. (Clip of 300: Rise of an Empire) Before the release of the unnecessary sequel on a boat, (back to the movie) revisit the movie that made guys everywhere feel really out of shape. Meet the Spartans, a society built on reason (Queen Gorgo at the Senate hearing), situps (an angled shot of Leonidas's abs), and child abuse (clips of a young Leonidas being backhanded, as well as him wrestling his son are shown), led by Leonidas, cinema's yelliest king. Leonidas: THIS...IS...SPARTA! (he kicks the Persian messenger in the hole / Spartans! / No mercy! / No! / Regroup! / Stelios! / Tonight we dine in Hell! Who hails from...the Scottish part of Greece? Leonidas: (with a very Scottish accent) Haven't you noticed? We've been sharing our culture with you all morning. Watch as Leonidas and his 300 closest gym buddies stand against the might of Xerxes, a hairless giant with an entire jewelry store on his face, and a voice that sounds like he's in the Witness Protection Program. Xerxes: (his face is pixelated) I will erase even the memory of Sparta from the histories. Lace up your sandals for a blend of historical truth (a shot of the fat, bladed arm executioner) and Zack Snyder nonsense mixing real battle formations (a shot of the Spartans in a phalanx) with crazy ninja spin moves, real Spartan councils, with sexy stripper oracles. And actual Persian fighting units...(a shot of a goat-headed performer in Xerxes tent is shown) with mutant Persian goat men? Huh? Oil up for the most confusing thing to happen to teenage boys since calculus class full of homoerotic undertones like... Men wearing thongs, men getting speared with phallic objects, men holding hands, men holding men tenderly from behind, men letting it hang, men getting all wet in the rain, men getting all sweaty on the beach, men playing two flutes at the same time, men saying things like this. Leonidas: Fine thrust. Or this. Xerxes: Your Athenian rivals will kneel at your feet if you will but kneel at mine. And a male to female nipple ratio of 600 to 4. (the only two topless women in the movie being the oracle and Queen Gorgo) Man, I haven't seen a movie this deep in the closet since Top Gun. Maverick: I am dangerous. (Iceman snaps his teeth at him) So get pumped for a dumb movie that's only cool because of Zack Snyder's overused bag of visual tricks like... Dramatic falling stuff (clips of stuff falling are shown like soldiers and elephants off the cliffs, Persian soldiers going into the well, and bodies falling onto the Immortals), Instagram filters (Sutro, Kelvin, Earlybird) and (voice getting slower with each word) suuuper...sloooooow...moooooooooootion. (normal voice) Come on. I might as well be reading a book. Starring... Gerard Butt (Leonidas), Nick Fury (Dilios), 6 through 300 (all the other 300 dead Spartans, including Leonidas), Dhalsim (Xerxes), Emperor Herpetine (one of the Ephors), Hey, you guys! (Ephialtes), Cersei Lannister? (Queen Gorgo), McNulty? (Theron), and Michael Fassbender?! (Stelios) 300 One cool looking movie and now he gets to make Batman vs. Superman? (sarcastic) Great. This episode's sayings... Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape Swiggity swag, what's in the bag Everything is awesome! Everything's cool when you're part of a team! I'm not famous anymore. It's my duty to please that boooyu Honest Trailers: Grown Ups From lazy Adam Sandler, comes yet another lazy plotless farted-out comedy, that America will inexplicably pay to see: Grown Ups. Join an all-star cast of comedic actors and Rob Shneider as they dish out more of the mindless crap audiences love: pee jokes (Eric farts), Marcus: Ow! poop jokes, fart jokes, Kurt's mother-in-law: (farts) Curley?! more pee jokes (the kids run away from the pool while screaming after Eric peed in it), and more fart jokes (the sting and the can makes a noise that sounds like a fart). Prepare to give up your own hard earned money to pay for these rich actors to go on vacation with their families. Seriously, this movie costs eighty million dollars, and they shot it at a lake! It's lowest common denominator comedy at it's laziest, substituting plot, wit, and character with guys getting hit in the face (Eric swings to a tree, Kurt falls from a low tree branch, and Marcus and Rob getting slapped in the face), guys getting hit in the foot (Rob and Wiley gets an arrow in his foot), guys getting hit in the d**k (Rob kicks Marcus' d**k twice), and even more fart jokes (the string from the cup phone makes more fart noises). Journey along with these celebrity man-babies as they try to become grown ups! Lenny's got Adam Sandler problems: he's too rich and his wife is too hot. Kurt is African American, but he can't play basketball (the basketball bounces off of Kurt's head). Higgs will have sex with anything, just like David Spade. Rob has two daughters that his friends creepily want to bang. And fat Kevin James is fat. Eric: You want to know what I fantasize about? Marcus: Yeah. Eric: Candy bars. Did we mention he's totally fat? Eric: Seventeen burgers and seventeen fries and uh, and that'll be just for me. What are you guys having? (laughs hysterically) Hahaha! (Kurt's mother-in-law makes fart noises) So get ready for another lazy Adam Sandler movie full of the things you've come to expect: product placement (KFC, Dunkin' Donuts, and Coca Cola are featured), Adam Sandler's friends, and jokes so devoid of humor, creativity, or effort Lenny: I always wanted to represent you. You're the third Olsen twin. (Lenny and Marcus laughs) you won't know when to laugh, but don't worry they will! (the characters keep on laughing) Alright, we got it. (the characters still keep on laughing) Okay, that's enough. (the characters still keep on laughing) It's really not funny guys. (the characters still keep on laughing) Still not that funny. (the characters still keep on laughing) Jeez, it's really not funny. (the characters still keep on laughing while the cup makes a fart noise) Starring (gibberish) (Lenny Feder), not Chris Farley (Eric Lamonsoff), also not Chris Farley (Marcus "Higgy" Higgins), Every Movie Hates Chris (Kurt McKenzie), Las Bewbs (Roxanne Feder), Adam Sandler's friend (Coach Robert "Buzzer" Ferdinando), whoever that cross-eyed dude is (Robideaux), and a carrot (Rob Hillard). Grown Ups. You know, if you see Grown Ups 2, you're only encouraging him. Becky: I want to get chocolate wasted! NOOOOO! Honest Trailer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze Based on the dark broody comic based on a children's cartoon that became the worst musical tour of all time comes a nineties movie that proves the turtle franchise was ridiculous way before Michael Bay got his hands on it: Splinter: (sings) Skipping stones, I must move through pain of glass. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the OOOOZE. The men in creepy, rubber turtle suits are back in the hit sequel that held up much better than when you were a kid featuring cheesy fight sequences, outdated nineties refrences (Bart Simpson on a container), Michealangelo: Remind me to drop the line of Ralph-nator. spawning freeze-frames, and bad cosplay. (Shredder with a painted basket covering his head approaches Raphael) Raphael: Shredder! I guess it looks better than ugly CGI. Uhhh. Your favorite turtles have returned to kick some shell, but this time due to stupid parent complaints about the first movie, watch as their iconic weapons stay glued into their holsters and instead see them fight with belts, yo-yos, ties, blankets, soft Nerf Bats, sausages, Michealangelo: Combat cold-cuts! and words. Michealangelo: Can we talk? Leonardo: Shredder, you got to listen to reason! Come on, just stab someone already. Get ready to hang ten with these four overtly large trained ninjas, who are terrible at hiding, (Kino kicks Raphael causing him to make noises) Kino: You guys! being silent, Raphael: SHREDDER! or sneaking around.(All four turtles get caught in a net while the narrator sarcastically states) Aw, did they get caught in a net? Sure be'd great if they could use their swords or something! I mean, come on, he's got them right on his back, what are they doing? In a world full of cartoon characters and action figures you loved, spend more time with human characters you don't, like Kino, an obnoxious little twerp, Girl: Dream on, dweeb! Kino: But if I do, I'll dream of someone thinner! Hahahaha! This boring science guy and this completely random lady who calls herself April O'Neil. Did the people who made this even like the cartoon!? Where's Krang, Slash, Baxter!? So bogus! The Shredder has returned... and returned... and returned... and probably smells like s@#! now. Watch him strike fear in the hearts of men, with his ability to stand and do nothing while his enemies are right in front of him and his lieutenant Tatsu, who also stands and does nothing while his enemies are right in front of him. Together, they'll recruit a city inexplicably filled with martial arts trained teenage runaways, who vastly outnumbers our heroes, yet can't seem to take out four slow dudes in huge rubber turtle suits. Why are they dancing? Tremble as they battle for the secret of the Ooze, which is never really explained, now that I mention it, but for some reason can turn turtles into Ninja Turtles, turn flowers into bigger flowers and turn Bebop and Rocksteady into two lame-ass ripoffs that no-one ever asked for! Tokka and Rahzar: (Roars), mama, mama! So gear up for a kid's action flick, so terrified to show any fun ninja action, its climax consists of taking out the Shredder with a guitar solo, The Shredder: Aaaugh!!! Taking out the Super Shredder with a bridge collapsing on itself, and a Vannila Ice concert! Vanilla Ice: Go ninja, go ninja go! Go ninja, go ninja go! Go, go, go, go! When did they have time to coordinate this s@#!? Stop dancing with Vanilla Ice! STOP IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? NO NINJA, NO NINJA NO! Starring... The Blue Ranger (Leonardo) Wreck-It Raph (Raphael) Bart Simpson (Michealangelo) Nerdatello (Donatello) Ratniss Neverclean (Splinter) Surf Ninja (Kino) Asian Darth Vader (The Shredder) April's Mom (April O'Neil) and Justin Bieber's Dad (Vanilla Ice) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze So parents were mad at them for using their weapons, but totally okay with them advocating an all-pizza diet? Pssh, hypocrites. Everything Wrong With The Amazing Spider-Man 2 in 13 Minutes or Less Note: Screenjunkies and Cinema Sins switched between Honest Trailers and EWW episodes for this movie. To see the Honest Trailer: see here. TranscriptEdit Sony. 48 seconds of logos. (spider dies in a container) Look! It's a metaphor for what this movie did to the franchise! (Peter's father tells his son to be good before he left) I get that Peter's dad had to leave, but he doesn't have to be a total dick about it. (the assassin washes his bloody hands) Nothing to see here! Just washing some fresh blood off my hands. Also, what did this guy do to the pilot? Rip out his throat? (assassin takes loaded gun from a drawer below the sink) Assassin leaves loaded gun where his victims could easily find it. (the assassin unlocks the bathroom from the outside)This bathroom locks from the outside. (Richard and the assassin fight each other) We interrupt this movie to bring you the poor man's "Bourne Identity". Good thing that dead pilot was holding the plane steady the whole time. (the gun shoots at a window) Aah, the Snakes on a Plane school of bad guy removal. Seven minutes in, children are starting to ask their parents why Spider-Man isn't in the movie. How did he get that high? Did he jump out of a plane? Physics. Where's Spidey hiding that radio? No one told Paul Giamatti this wasn't a cartoon. Man, that bystander is loud! Thanks for the exposition, computer. Hey, when you're done boosting this guy's self-esteem, there's still a plutonium-filled truck barreling through New York. Thanks again, computer. We interrupt this movie to bring you The Blue Brothers. Spider-sense? Where was Spidey hiding that cell phone? In a skintight suit, there's only one place he could be stashing his stuff. And you don't want to know where it is. Seven years after Superbad, Emma Stone is still graduating from high school. Ghost dad. She looks pretty surprised to win valedictorian for someone wearing a scarf that says, "valedictorian". Guess that guy got held back, like, two, three, twenty years. "Oh cool, Spider-Man just came to our gradua--Oh, it's just Peter Parker." Way to make it all about you two. Probably something boring about responsibility. This photo was taken right before the cameraman died. Ghost Dad: Part II: The Ghostening And you've clearly broken that promise between now and the last movie. Did he just fight a chicken? Did he just fight a fish? You're not gonna give him the Discount Double Check? Spider stalking. Doesn't he wear a mask? "I'll just stash this briefcase full of important information here, until the plot requires me to open it." "Let's see, we've got Coffee-Mate, real stuff--Ooooh, an Electro Cake!" This is getting dangerously close to a slash fiction. In case we didn't have enough subplots going in already, Aunt May is becoming a nurse for some reason. Soooo, purple? Aunt May makes Peter an all-lettuce sandwich for breakfast. Exposition hologram. What a coincidence! What a coincidence! Everybody gets one. 30 minutes in, and we're still introducing main characters. "I always imagined I'd be impaired by my own glider." Sounds like a pretty cool dad to me. A.K.A., the trying-to-make-Green-Goblin-into-a-realistic-character disease. Guess that lucrative Bing sponsorship from the first movie didn't pay off. Jay Jonah Jameson does not appear in this movie. This just in: main character needs to be brought up to speed on the other characters' plot lines. Sports at 11. Oscorp doesn't have 24-hour maintenance. There's your problem right there. The thingy's all unplugged. "Hey boss, should we put a lid on these tanks?" "Nah, what's the worst that could happen?" Electric dentistry. So he gets electrocuted, bit by electric eels, electrocuted again, and blown up? How does this just not kill him? Someone got paid to write this. What is he doing? What a coincidence! Pretty sure the bulge and the lack of bewbs makes him a dude, dude. I guess this is one of those discount morgues that leaves dead bodies out in the open with the crematorium running. Peter Parker is a dick to traffic. Yep, that'll do. Electro sets off all these car alarms because he's...electric? Ah yes, the suburban streets that leads directly to Times Square. Peter studied at the Twilight school of romance. God, is everyone in this movie a scientific genius. This random camera guy has a live feed to every video screen in Times Square. Sure, just open fire at the guy because he's blue and wearing a hoodie. Run, you idiots! It's totally not your birthday anymore, dude. You fell into that tank the night before. Electro and the screenwriters are making up powers as they go. Mamma Mia! Not the Jersey Boys! Yes, really! How many times can fate tell you it's a bad idea for the two of you to be together? Phillip Phillips. That completely unrealted battle really got Peter thinking about his dead parents? Two question marks don't get better Goggle results? You know, it's way easier if you hang the framed photos with a nail. This wall of craziness we just watched him build won't factor into the rest of the movie at all. Oh, so that's how you turn this desk on. Supposed science genius has to learn about batteries on YouTube. This guy definitely bought views on his video. He only has two subscribers. And look at that like ratio. Total fraud. Oh look, the 5 Bourough school budget passed. Here goes Kurtzman and Orci with the whole magic blood thing again. Didn't you guys get that out of your system when you were ruining Star Trek? That's not how pictures work. What a coincidence! EX: The maintenance closet is the most clichéd hiding place ever. (Peter Parker says that it's the most clichéd hiding spot) Oh um...sin retracted? 91.Yeah! F**k you! ghost dad! 92.What a coincidence! 93.Man, these Oscorp elevators are convenient places for characters that wouldn't normally meet to run each other. 94.Good thing Oscorp had a prison cell for a being pure of electricity ready to go in case one ever showed up. 95.Zee stereotypical German scientist, ja? 96.How could he know? That's the first time you've ever said it. 97.(Anut May talks quietly causing the narrator to clear his throat) 98."It's funny, 'cause you just sound like him!" 99.Underage drinking! Arrest him, Spider-Man! 100.Yeah, in like, forty years. 101.If only one of us had access to some kind of massive science corporation to look into it. 102.Well, that was a useful meeting. 103.Kramer entrance. 104.Signs point to Oxford. 105.Break a neck! I mean, break a leg! 106.No! Not the wall of craziness! 107.So his dad had to open up his calculator every time he took the subway? And why go through the trouble to hide them? They look like subway tokens. Honest Trailer: Frozen From the studio that finally learned how to make Pixar movies, and song writing duo behind Hasa Diga Eebowai comes the feature length music video for Let It Go – Frozen. It’s been three years since the last Disney musical, and 18 years since the last good Disney musical. Now the big D is back and adjusted for inflation with two princesses,(Anna and Elsa) two goofy sidekicks, (Olaf and Sven) and three different orphans. (Kristoff, Anna and Elsa) Welcome to Arendelle, a magical-lish, Scandinavian-nish country, that’s been cursed with eternal winter, even though their main export is ice. Meet Elsa, a manic-depressive princess with a confusing set of powers like snowblasting, dress-making, castle-building and creating life? Elsa: You're alive Olaf: Uh, I think so. They kind of gloss over that one. Fall in love with her adorkable sister, Anna, who spends who spends 3 years of her adult life shut inside a castle, even though she could leave it any time. Anna: I can’t live like this anymore! Elsa: Then leave! And who could forget the completely unnecessary, unexplained magical troll rocks! When disaster strikes, watch Anna save the day by teaming up with — her sister (Elsa), a merchant (Oaken) , a hot guy (Kristoff) , and a snowman (Olaf) to defeat villains like — her sister, a merchant (Duke of Weselton), a hot guy (Hans) and a snowman (Marshmallow). Experience a clever twist on past Disney films; that teaches girls everywhere, they don’t need a prince to rescue them because all men are disgusting loners, greedy murderers, or lying, manipulative power-hungry sociopaths. Anna: You won’t get away with this! Hans: I already have. Happy now, Jezebel? So gather the family and sing along on a musical journey; that’s all about the sound track! Featuring unforgettable songs like… the exposition song! (Do You Want To Build A Snowman) Anna: Do you want some exposition? Some information through a song? The song that sounds like it’s from Wicked! (For The First Time In Forever) Anna: For the first time in forever Disney let us sing. For the first time in forever, it’s as good as Lion King. The romantic duet. (Love Is An Open Door) Anna and Hans: We are about to pooooooooook Totally gonna pooooooooook The other romantic duet. Kristoff: I’m kinda turned on by reindeer. The anthropomorphic sidekick’s comic relief song. Olaf: When you’re out of ideas. You give’em a singing snowmaaaan! The one you skipped. Ice Cutters: We are cutting ice! ‘cause we are cutting iiiiice! The one you don’t know the words to. Trolls :So he’s a bit of fixer-upper ???????? Something something Something something Little bit of love! And the YOLO song. (Let It Go) Elsa: Get it out. Get it out! Get this song out of my head! Get it out Get it out! I’ll sing anything else instead! STARRING: Forgotten Sarah Marshall (Anna), Kristoff Waltz, Ugly Smurfs (trolls) Hans Gruber, Merchandising (Olaf), And the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem (Elsa) FROZEN You don’t need true love to thaw a frozen heart, just soak it in water for a few hours. It works on turkeys. Hey Screen Junkies can’t get enough of my buttery voice, then check out Honest game trailers over on Smosh Games, click the box to checkout our Honest take on Mario Kart, screw you blue shells. She got a big booty, so I call her big booty. Shut-up crime. I’m a strong independent woman, who don’t need no man. If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis. Honest Trailer: The Little Mermaid In 1989, the same year Taylor Swift was born, Honest Trailer: The Avengers From Joss Whedon, God of the nerds, comes the movie blockbuster that finally unites the world’s greatest superheroes… that Marvel still has the rights to. The Avengers! The ultimate two hour geek fantasy that blinds all nerds from admitting any legitimate criticism. And put all of DC Comics on suicide watch. A villain, who inexplicably returns from the dead, will vow vengeance on the planet where his demigod brother’s sort-of-girlfriend lives. Forcing this bluetooth obsessed government agency to assemble the heroes from Marvel’s greatest franchises, except Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, and X-Men. Suit up with Iron Man – everyone’s favorite secondary Marvel character – who must redeem himself from the god awful Iron Man 2. Thor – who sort of pulled off his own movie, but who’s appearance here completely negates its ending. Captain America – no one’s favorite character, who just kinda has to be there. And The Incredible Hulk – who, for the sake of the plot, can now suddenly control his rage… Bruce Banner: I’m always angry. …without any explanation. Which doesn't matter ‘cause that shot was awesome! Witness… the excitement… Iron Man: I need you to get to that engine control panel… …of Iron Man repairing a spaceship for twenty minutes. The thrill of generic aliens on flying jet skis. The confusing energy source of the Tesseract… Selvig: The Tesseract can fight, but you can’t protect against yourself… …and its completely unjustified fail safe. The explosion that instantly kills every alien, conveniently tying up all loose ends. The Bromance… Tony Stark: Hey. And the character in the middle of the credits, who every nerd in the audience pretended to know. A movie so fulfilling… you won’t remember that the first 45 minutes are actually kind of boring. A villain so determined… Loki: You need the cube to bring me home, but I've sent it off I know not where. …you’ll wonder why he’s uniting the only people who can stop him, in hopes of getting them to dislike each other. Tony Stark: Not a great plan. NARRATOR Battles so action packed… Harkeye: Stark, you’ve got a lot of strays stuck on your tail. You won’t even ask yourself, “how are they even all talking to each other without ear pieces?” Black Widow: I can close it, can anybody copy? Cap. America:Do it. Tony Stark: No, wait. Cap. America: Stark, these things are still coming. Starring… Bore (Thor) Pinkeye (Hawkeye Iron Man Pooping (Iron Man Not Edward Norton (Hulk) The Human Torch (Cap. America) Leather Bewbs (Black Widow) Mace Windu (Nick Fury) And Gay Bane (Loki) Marvel’s The Avengers! If this doesn't make your inner eight year old self squeal in delight you’re likely dead inside… or a girl. If you like Honest Trailers, then please check out our brand new weekly series, The Screen Junkies Show. Seriously, don’t be a jerk. We worked real hard on this new show. So check it out and leave a comment. And, as always, leave a comment with the movie you’d like to see get the Honest treatment next. Cats with boobies. Oppa Gangnam Style. Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but here’s my number so call me maybe. Honest Trailers: The LEGO Movie Based on a toy franchise with no story or defined characters (Lego) comes a featured length commercial with celebrities, clichés, and repetitive pop music...that's really sweet and heartfelt. Huh, didn't see that coming. The Lego Movie. Honest Trailer: The Lion King Before there was Frozen, relive the peak of Disney animation, (more Disney movies appear) followed immediately by it's downfall, (Lion King sequels appear.) THE LION KING. Relive the original tale of a royal heir whose parents die, prompting them to run away from their kingdom, then singing a song about letting go of their worries, while things fall apart back home, and return to defeat an evil prince! I knew there was a reason I liked that movie. Journey to Pride Rock, an animal kingdom with incredibly generous borders, Mufasa: Everything the light touches is our kingdom. and its own version of New Jersey Simba: What about that shadowy place? Mufasa: You must never go there, Simba! while all of the African animals talk like they're British, Zazu: Good morning sire! evil British, Scar: It's to die for! Latino, Banzai: ¿Qué pasa? Jewish mobs, Timon: So, where ya from? gangsta, Shenzi: Dere no way I'm going in dere. or CNN. Mufasa: Remember who you are. Witness the birth of Lion King Simba, an obnoxious know-it-all who rubs his privilege at everyone's face. Simba: My dad just showed me the whole kingdom, and I'm gonna rule it all! Heheh! Watch as Simba's evil uncle shatters his life of leisure, a lion who is either named Scar by coincidence, or he got stuck with a really mean nickname. Get ready for a G-rated movie filled with domestic abuse, Scar: I'm (slaps Sarabi) ten times the king Mufasa was! A child raised by a same-sex couple, not like there's anything wrong with that, and the most traumatic death of a parent, since Bambi's mom got shot in the face! Simba: Dad, we gotta go home! (Sobs) Hakuna Matata?! So let Frozen go, and experience the best music of any Disney musical ever, with such memorable songs like the "Be Careful What you Wish For" song, Simba: Oh, I just can't wait til dad dies! the "Plotting evil stuff" song, Scar: So prepare because I am the bad guy! Be prepared to do bad guy things. The catchy song to get kids distracted from the horrific death they just saw, Simba: I went through trauma at a very young age. Timon: Don't be a downer, kay. Simba: They just killed my dad. Pumbaa: Forget all that! Simba, Timon, and Pumbaa: An African catchphrase! the slow jam, Simba and Nala: We are gonna pork tonight. Chorus: Lions are gonna pork. (sings some more) Simba and Nala: Yeah we are totally gonna poooooooork! It was nice to be childhood friends with ya, But now it's time to pooooooooooork! And the song that fools us into thinking these animals live in harmony! Elton John: I don't know-a what the words really are! Chorus A: It's okay. We'll make them up! They'll make them up! No one knows what-a we are saying, But it's fun to sing it anyway-a (keeps on singing the last two lines) Elton John: He's a threat to our lives! Chorus B: No one knows the words of this song! Elton John: He could eat us all! He on display, To remind us we're prey! Starring, Lion Jafar (Scar), Bird Sebastein (Zazu), Ren and Stimpy (Timon and Pumbaa),Ed, Edd, and Eddy (Ed, Banzai, and Shenzi), Do-me eyes (Nala), Dad Vader (Mufassa), and Kimba the white lion (Simba) Seriously, look it up. The Lion King. Wait! If Mufasa and Scar are the only male lions in the pride, then Nala's dad is probably----Oh no! Honest Trailer: Dumb and Dumber To From the brothers that went from talented to terrible faster than you can say Wachowski (the Farrelly brothers), comes the sequel audiences demanded, then sorta got (Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd), then once everyone had moved on with their lives, got again anyway! Dumb And Dumber To. Revisit the buddy comedy that's aged about as well as Jeff Daniels's face, Honest Trailer: Forrest Gump From Robert Zemeckis, The director of some of your favorite movies, And lots of creepy animation, Comes the 20th Anniversary of the film that spawned a thousand folksy catchphrases. Forrest Gump: Life is like a box of chocolates. And one really disgusting seafood restaurant. Forrest Gump. Relive the heartwarming tale of Forrest, A simpleton who bombards complete strangers with his entire life story. Forrest Gump: I've worn lots of shoes. And Jenny, A suicidal junky hobo. Experience the epic love story between this damaged women, And the mentally challenged war hero she manipulates. Whether it's sending mixed messages. Jenny Curran: I'll always be your girl. Forrest you stay away from me ok, You just stay away from me please. Hitting it, And quitting it, Or hiding his own child from him for 5 years until she has full blown AIDS and has no where else to go. Forrest Gump: Jenny came back and stayed with me. Maybe it was because she had no where else to go. Together, There one sided relationship will serve as cliffnotes to 40 years of whitewashed American History. Utilizing brilliant visual effects, And terrible overdubbing. John F. Kennedy: Congratulations, How do you feel? Lyndon B. Johnson: That must be a sight. Richard Nixon: I'll have my people take her before you. John Lennon: It's easier if you try Dick. Witness Forrest becoming a star college football player, Win the medal of honor, Play World Class Ping Pong in communist China, Start a cross country running cult, And build a multi-million dollar seafood empire, Yet still never get recognized. Man At Bus Bench: Are you telling me your the owner of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation? Forrest Gump: Yes. Not even by the news. News Reporter: Forrest Gump, The gardener from Greenmill, Alabama, Is about to cross the Mississippi River again today. Follow along with a handful of human cliches, That help Forrest along his way like, The strong-willed single mother, The dumb southerner, And the Vietnam vet with a chip on his shoulder. Who teaches all that you can succeed in America even if your dumb enough to blindly do whatever other people tell you to do. Football Player: Run! Forrest Gump: Ok. Jenny Curran: Don't try to be brave you just run. Forrest Gump: Ok. Benjamin Blue: How would you like to go to the shrimpin' business with me? Forrest Gump: Ok. Army Person: Your a good man for doing that, Good. Forrest Gump: Ok. Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Thought I'd try out my sea legs. Forrest Gump: Ok. Guy on ship: That's where were gonna find our shrimp My boy! Forrest Gump: Ok! So lace up your Nike's, And pop open a Dr. Pepper, To revist all the classic Gump stuff like, Feathers, Shrimp. Benjamin Blue: Shrimp Soup, Shrimp Stew, Shrimp Salad. Dead Celebirties. Forrest Gump: Somebody shot him. Somebody shot that nice young president. Somebody shot his little brother too. Boxes of chocolate. Forrest Gump: I ate some. Jenny! Forrest Gump: Jenny! Lieutenant Dan. Forrest Gump: Lieutenant Dan Ice cream. Lieutenant Dan with legs, Lieutenant Dan without legs. Forrest Gump: You ain't got no legs Lieutenant Dan. Things mama said. Forrest Gump: Mama said they take me anywhere. This moment you probably didn't understand as a kid. Forrest Gump: Oh I'm Sorry. Jenny Curran: It's Ok. Forrest Gump: Sorry. And lots and lots of running. Jenny Curran: Run Forrest, Run! (Cues music) Starring, Young Claire Underwood, Bubba Booey, Sally Field Now, Gary's Niece, I See Dumb People, And Usain Dolt, Forrest Gump. Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: If your ever a shrimp boat captain, That's the day I am a astronaut. And Lieutenant Dan kept his word. The End. Fantastic Four (2015) From the director of Chronicle, and, (showing Josh Trank's infamous tweet) a fantastic movie you'll probably never see; and from the studio that already brought you two ridiculously campy Fantastic Four movies, comes a reboot that's completely different; yet somehow, still just as bad: Fant-4-stic! (shows footage from The Incredibles) It's been 10 years since the last good Fantastic Four movie. Now, Fox must crank out another one, or loose the rights to a studio that would do a much better job. So, prepare for the obligitory trotting out of Marvel's first family, like you've never seen them before: moody, awkward, and really, REALLY low energy. Reed Richards: (in a low, awkward, monotone voice) And now I'm here. Sue Storm: (same voice) So you are. (silence, and cricket chirping is heard in the background.) Meet four people who are never referred to as Mr. Fantastic, The Thing, Invisible Woman, The Human Torch, or The Fantastic Four! Ben Grimm: It's fantastic. Reed Richards: Say that again? There's Reed, the genius who can bend his body into new, exciting ethnicities. Ben, a big-hearted rock monster who's superpowers is not having genitals? This underused actress (Sue Storm) in a terrible wig, who's left behind to make the guy's uniforms. And Johnny, a street-racing brat cliche with the power to ignite...internet comment sections for being a black guy! Journey to the Baxter Institute, where kids invent million-dollar inventions, powerful enough to destroy the world, in exchange for pads on the back... Harvey Elder: You all deserve an enormous pad on the back! And wonder how these child geniuses also manage to be total idiots, as they get drunk, recruit Reed's unqualified friend who gave him a screw-driver one time, travel to Mordor, take some selfies... Johnny Storm: This one is definitely going on Instagram. And immediately stick their hands in alien goo. Dude, don't touch the goo! That's alien planet rule number one! Tremble in anticipation for the return of one of Marvel's greatest supervillains, Dr. Doom, then shake your head in disappointment, when you're stuck with this superpowered sex doll instead, complete with vague abilities, vague motivations, and vague Ghostbusters references? (clip from Dana possessed by Zuul in Ghostbusters) Dana/Zuul: There is no Dana, only Zuul! Dr. Doom: There is no Victor, only Doom. Who "Dr. Dooms" the movie, just when things start to get interesting, to deliver a ridiculous finale, where a villain who can literally do anything with just his mind, loses to four inept teenagers whose best strategy is...to punch him in the face! Ben Grimm: It's clobberin' time! (Ben punches Victor into the energy beam) So get ready for a superhero film, that's ashamed to admit, it's a superhero film. Sue Storm: They're not powers, they're aggressively abnormal physical conditions! Johnny: Okay, okay! Featuring some of Hollywood's hottest young actors, totally phoning it in! Reed Richards: We're a team now, and there's four of us. So we should come up with a name for it. Clumsy references to the comic book. Sue Storm: Dr. Doom over here. Ben's Brother: Hey! It's clobberin' time (beats him). And bizarre shifts in time, that seem to mark exactly when the studio took over from the director. Clevver Movies Clip: Who is to blame for the overwhelmingly negative reviews for Fantastic Four? Well, director Josh Trank is sayin', "not it." Currently holding a 9% with critics on Rotten Tomatoes! Jeez, what a mess! The movie about making this movie would be so much better than this movie! Starring... Were You Stretching Or Were You Dragging? (Miles Teller) A Wasted House of Cards Actor (Kate Mara) A Chocolate Snowman (Jamie Bell) Michael B. Glad You Don't Have To Do Any More Of These (Michael B. Jordan) Another Wasted House of Cards Actor (Reg E. Cathey) And Crash Test Doomy (Toby Kebbell) Fantastic Four: Strike Three Man, you know it's bad, when Stan Lee won't even make a cameo! Category:Archive